How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd
-Alexander Pope
Some people are just naturally gifted actors. It’s in their blood; that, or they just work really hard at their craft. Some, on the other hand, are naturally awful actors. They are painful to watch on-screen. And inexplicably, they still churn out movie after movie. So here’s a list of some men I consider the worst actors working today. I didn’t include people I don’t even consider actors, so I apologize to Larry the Cable Guy. In no particular order:
What I love about the short-lived series My So-Called Life (1993) is that it understands me more than I understand myself. My life isn’t exactly the same as Angela Chase’s, but I see the same feelings and conversations manifested in her character, almost frighteningly. I just listen to her voice over during scenes thinking, “That’s so me.”
The show is about Angela, an awkward 15-year-old living in the Pittsburgh suburbs. She’s in a transitional stage, moving away from her innocent childhood best friend toward the edgier club hopping, hip flask-swilling, class-ditching Rayanne and bisexual Ricky. They convince her to dye her hair “crimson glow” to mark the dawn of her new life.
Angela is in love with a boy at school: Jordan Catalano. She loves the way he is always closing his eyes and leaning against stuff. He’s the quintessential bad boy with a secret learning disability. Then there’s Brian, her neighbor. He’s the dorky guy with big curly hair who answers every question in class. It is often said that whether you rooted for Jordan or Brian is very telling of your personality.
Gracias to guardian.co.uk
My So-Called Life is famously known as a show canceled way before its time. It was pulled after one short season. What a shame. The show is very true-to-life; it almost seems like the screenwriters are transcribing real life moments they had in high school. Instead of dealing with teen issues in “A Very Special Episode of…” style, things like school violence, same-sex parenting, teenage alcoholism, drug use, and the pressure to have sex are woven into the plot naturally. Seriously, shows that proclaim to uncover the Secret Life of the American Teenagercan gtfo, because they are completely far fetched.
Where was I? Ah, yes. All the characters are sympathetic and often misunderstood souls, each given his or her due character development. From Angela’s schoolmates to her parents, the creators really took the time to let the characters exist in their own skin, as real people with real problems. Even though it came out over 15 years ago, the show is just as fresh, honest, and relevant today as it ever was.
Here are Angela’s thoughts on sex:
Angela: [narrating] I couldn’t stop thinking about it. The, like, fact that – that people – had sex. That they just *had* it, like sex was this thing people – *had*, like a rash. Or a – a Rottweiler. Everything started to seem like, pornographic or something. Like, Mrs. Krysanowski has sex. So does Mr. Katimsky. They both have sex. They could – have sex together. Like right now.
[groans]
The DVD set came out in 2007, if you want to check it out. There are also full episodes on YouTube.
Pardon my French, but I Love You, Manis the best effing comedy I’ve seen all year (and probably will see all year).
Gracias to Paramount Pictures
Peter (Paul Rudd) just got engaged to Zooey (Rashida Jones), who has many close girlfriends. He, however, has no close male friends. He has always been very devoted to his girlfriends over the years and never spent time developing lasting friendships with men. Since his wedding is coming up and he is without a Best Man, Peter goes on a series of “man-dates” to find a BFF. After the predictable slew of ridiculous potential friends, Peter meets Sydney Fife (Jason Segal). This is when the movie truly begins.
Sydney is the coolest friend a guy (or girl) could have. He enjoys people-watching and is a keen observer of men who wait until their significant other is at a far enough distance to release a fart. He rides a Vespa and lives in a wooden cottage right by the Venice boardwalk. His “Man Cave” houses many television sets, movie posters, strange artifacts, a wet bar, and all the instruments for a four-hour jam session. He’s open and sincere and constantly introduces Peter to new, exciting things. Inexplicably though, he wears swimming trunks and Uggs when walking his dog on the sandy beach.
I particularly loved the inclusion of Rush songs in the movie, especially “Tom Sawyer.” Funny enough, in Segal’s earlier work in Freaks and Geeks (1999), he played a high school burnout who idolized Neil Peart.
The movie pans out like a typical romantic comedy, though more between Peter and Sydney than Peter and his fiancee. It doesn’t even matter if its formulaic. You’ll be laughing too hard to notice. I will literally watch anything with Paul Rudd; he is so cringe-inducingly awkward in this movie, it’s delightful. He says the weirdest phrases on the planet, and I can’t wait til more people see this so I can get some kind of a listing of all of the random stuff he blurts out at the end of conversations.
Gracias to the New York Daily News
If you liked Knocked Up, Superbad, or Forgetting Sarah Marshall, you will love this. And like all of these movies, the glue that holds it all together is the stream of side characters who pop up sporadically for only a minute or so, but manage to be what people talk about once the movie is over.
I saw this today with my good friend, Lauren, who can out-shriek anyone when it comes to laughing. She has had many an old lady turn around and shush her. If you ever wonder what that warped, high-pitched shrieking is at the end of Main, it is Lauren. We both love previews, almost as much as the movie itself. Anyway, we noticed that Ryan Reynolds is in every movie coming out in 2009. Every trailer we saw had Ryan Reynolds in it. It was very strange.
Natasha Richardson, 45, died today of injuries from a recent skiing accident on a beginner’s slope in Quebec. You might remember her as the mother in The Parent Trap (1998). She was a Tony-award winning stage actress and the wife of actor Liam Neeson. Such a sudden and tragic death. Her family didn’t see it coming at all. After she fell, she showed no signs of injury and felt fine. An hour later, she was reportedly not feeling well and an ambulance was called. She was a pretty cool cat.
The only thing that really excited me about hearing there would be a National Honors Society assembly today was that my classes would be cut down by ten minutes. In my years here, NHS assemblies have not been the most exciting or moving of assemblies. They tend to consist of a droning keynote speech, a long slide show, and more speeches.
However, I was pleasantly surprised today. The speaker, a middle school teacher who was involved with the establishing of the KIPP Heartwood Academy, really captured my attention. She spoke about the challenges of teaching in underfunded urban schools with bad track records. She described students who had given up on themselves and their teachers and had resigned themselves to self-fulfilling prophecies. Despite the odds against her, the teacher started a school that took similar kids and turned them into students who value education, respect one another, and dream of going to college. I tutored many of them every other Saturday in my junior year and felt almost useless. These kids were so smart and well-behaved, they hardly needed my help.
By not paying teachers their worth, our state is shirking its responsibility to encourage quality teaching in its schools. We pay hundreds of thousands of dollars to engineers, technicians, and web developers to fuel innovation, but a tiny, tiny fraction of that is paid to our teachers. How many of you have had truly life-changing teachers in your life?
On that note, I’m going to feature scenes from well-made movies about teachers who did more than lecture into space:
Gracias to Natural Selections
Dead Poets Society : On his first day as English teacher at an all boys boarding school, John Keating (Robin Williams) instructs a student to read the preface of his poetry book. He then tells the boy, and all the boys in the class, to rip the page straight out of their books and throw it on the floor. He deems it rubbish. He tells the students that they can call him “Oh Captain! My Captain! (the title of a Walt Whitman poem) if they feel daring. He tells them to stand on their desks so they remember to always look at things with a new perspective. They boys stare at him incredulously. Keating then leads them outside and instructs them on the doctrine of “carpe diem.” Seizing the day.
Note: Robin Williams said that he chose to play John Keating because he was the kind of teacher he wished he had.
Gracias to ScreenRush
Freedom Writers : New teacher Erin Gruwell has a tough job. She is a white teacher at a school full of minorities. The cap? They all hate her. One day, she places a long piece of red tape down the center of the room and tells her students to stand on opposite sides of the room. She successively asks students to walk up to the line if a series of categories apply to them. Do they know where to buy drugs; have they ever been shot at; do they know anyone in a gang; do they know anyone who has died from gang violence. The numbers of students who approach the line is astounding. She brings her at-risk students face to face – the asians who hate the mexicans who hate the blacks.
Note: This movie is based on the book called “The Freedom Writers Diary” by Erin Gruwell and the kids of Wilson High. True story.
Gracias to EW
Stand and Deliver is also really good, though I haven’t seen it in a while. Also a true story. Favorite line: “Hey Kimo, you proud of me? I’m the first one here! What’s Cal-cool-us?”
You know those days when you’re completely bored and decide to mosey into a theater and see a random movie? Maybe you’ve seen the trailer a few months earlier. Maybe you read a one-sentence description of the movie in the paper. Maybe just you went up to the cashier and mentally stabbed at a movie and purchased a ticket. In general, you have no idea if the movie was publicly or critically regarded as good, bad, or “aite.”
I don’t know that feeling. See, I can’t see a movie in theaters without hitting up at least two of my go-to sites. Among those are Roger Ebert’s web site, the Internet Movie Database, or rottentomatoes.com. If a movie gets bad reviews, I wont see it at all. If it gets lukewarm or mixed bag reviews, DVD! It’s that simple.
Gracias to Correctional Service Canada
In our economy, it’s important to weigh in many factors when spending an extortionate $10 on a movie, not including another ten on popcorn and other concession stand confections. I don’t want to sit down to see a movie that induces my gag reflex. I don’t want to sit and watch a movie that bores me for two and a half hours. And I don’t want to see a movie that I will walk out of a half hour later. It’s not the best use of my time or money.
I recommend talking to people who have seen the film in question, or check out the above web sites to get a sense of the quality of the film. I don’t know anyone who would willingly want to see a bad movie. You might save a chunk of change and a headache.
Utterly delightful stuff, spider-monkey!
There is a slight exception, however. If the movie is so bad its good and gone back to bad again, go ahead and watch it. True camp is hard to come by these days. I spent the best $10 watching Twilightlast November, and I don’t think I’ve ever laughed that hard at a movie in recent memory.
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New Gossip Girl episode tonight at 8 pm on the CW. I can’t help but tune in, even though this show continues to push the limits of absolute absurdity. Thanks, classical conditioning! I can’t imagine who Nate is going to find to bone next. He’s already had sex with every female on the show, with the exception of Blair and Serena’s moms. Good self-control, Nate.
Gracias to the CW. I wonder what whiny face Jessica Szohr is going to pull out of her repertoire tonight!
In keeping with the spirit of the wonderful “Gay Marriage and a Chocolate Chip Cookie” assembly in the gym today, I decided to feature a movie called Chasing Amy (1997).
Gracias to View Askew
Directed by the unmatchable Kevin Smith, the movie asks the tough questions about love and relationships. Holden (Ben Affleck) falls for Alyssa (Joey Lauren Adams), despite the fact that she is a lesbian. Both are comic book artists who meet at a convention and Holden is crushed when he realizes her sexual orientation. Blooming against the grungy backdrop of numerous sexually explicit conversations between Alyssa and Holden’s friends is the friendship the two protagonists share and the consequences that ensue when they take it to the next level. Don’t expect a happy ending. It’s bittersweet in every sense of the word.
Gracias to View Askew
What I love about this movie is how candid it is. The actors talk like real people in real situations, with very little glamorized for a cinematic feel. It’s heartbreaking, but perfectly offset with moments of bawdy, witty comedy by way of Silent Bob, Jay, and Banky. This and Good Will Hunting (1997) are the only movies I can tolerate Ben Affleck in. Chasing Amy really woke me up to relationships and the fact that they rarely go the way you planned them. They require you to venture outside your preconceived notions into a brand new territory of past and present experiences. While this movie might not provide you with the expected saccharine happy ending, it might just give you some heightened understanding on human emotional dynamics.
Take this speech by Alyssa, for example:
Alyssa Jones: You know, I didn’t just heed what I was taught, men and women should be together, it’s the natural way, that kind of thing. I’m not with you because of what family, society, life tried to instill in me from day one. The way the world is, how seldom it is that you meet that one person who just *gets* you–it’s so rare. My parents didn’t really have it. There were no examples set for me in the world of male-female relationships. And to cut oneself off from finding that person, to immediately halve your options by eliminating the possibility of finding that one person within your own gender, that just seemed stupid to me. So I didn’t. But then you came along. You, the one least likely. I mean, you were a guy. Holden McNeil: Still am. Alyssa Jones: And while I was falling for you I put a ceiling on that, because you were a guy. Until I remembered why I opened the door to women in the first place: to not limit the likelihood of finding that one person who’d complement me so completely. So here we are. I was thorough when I looked for you. And I feel justified lying in your arms, ’cause I got here on my own terms, and I have no question there was some place I didn’t look. And for me that makes all the difference.
I highly recommend you check this out – it offers a unique insight into the complexities of gay and lesbian relationships. The film is Rated R.
Here’s one of my favorite movie speeches of all time:
Move over, The Office. The new show to claim its place as the best comedy series currently on the silver screen is 30 Rock. The show is about Liz Lemon, the hapless head-writer of an NBC sketch comedy show, who struggles to keep her new boss (Alec Baldwin) and self-absorbed actors (Tracy Morgan and Jane Krakowski) in line, while juggling her countless idiosyncrasies. The show mirrors Tina Fey’s own life as head-writer of Saturday Night Live.
Tina Fey is self-deprecating to the max here. There are VERY few shows that are so consistently funny week after week. And there are few people in the entertainment industry higher to me than Tina Fey. She’s won numerous Emmys, Golden Globes, and Screen Actors Guild awards for the show, and it’s only in its third season.
Mmmm she loves those Sabor de Soledad chips. Gracias to Pat Barrett.
Fey plays Liz Lemon, a woman who cares more about her friends than what others think about her (she strips down to her bra and dances at a business conference to take the heat off of a co-worker who embarrassed himself). Her dates all end in disasters (one guy accidentally opens the bathroom door as she’s going #2), she’s not respected at work (her writers sometimes throw food at her), and she pigs out like a little kid after Lent (she wolfed down an entire hoagie before passing through an airport check-in station). Despite her flaws, she stands proud, undeterred, and often unappreciated.
The true strength of the show lies in the comedic abilities of the entire ensemble cast. There’s not a rotten egg in the bunch.
Gracias to NBC
There’s Tracy Jordan, the new actor on the show who could read the phone book and make me shoot orange juice out my nose. Kenneth the Page is a completely innocent and chaste Southern lad from Louisiana who has always dreamed of working in television – DO NOT touch his page jacket (he has recently been in the news for sounding frighteningly like the esteemed Bobby Jindal). Then there’s Frank with his obnoxious hats, Jenna with her bordering-on-disturbing body image issues, and Jack Donaghy, of course, the new boss of the conglomerate – he believes strongly in the rich white male Republican way of thinking.
Seriously, this show is off tha heezy fo sheezy. Aside from The Office, which seriously needs to get its booty in gear, 30 Rock is the only sitcom I watch.
Here are some clips that will only truly shine in their comedic glory if you start watching the show!
When I first became a cinephile, teen 80s movies were my bread and butter. I was obsessed with the flashy outfits, cheesy romances, the drum-heavy pop hits, the stereotypical high school characters, and the way they defined kitsch. It became my goal in 8th grade to watch every single teenage 80s movie I could get my hands on. Ask my friends about “the phase.” Despite my love of the countless ridiculous 80s romantic comedies that introduced me to the two Coreys, Patrick Dempsey, and the infamous “Top That” rap, I am going to list some movies that I feel represent the cream of the crop of teenage 80s movies.
In no particular order:
Gracias to SodaHead
Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982) contains just about every issue horny teenagers could encounter in high school: topless females, pot smoking, masturbation, cheating on tests, cherry-popping, lengthy sex talks, and pregnancy. Kind of like Degrassi: The Next Generation, except with better acting, better writing, and humor. It’s worth a look just to see Sean Penn (pre-thorny stick up his butt) play Jeff Spicoli, a perennially wasted surfer, who pesters his teacher, Mr. Hand.
Here’s fellow student Mike Damone dispensing some sage wisdom to a friend (aka the five-point plan):
Mike Damone: First of all Rat, you never let on how much you like a girl. “Oh, Debbie. Hi.” Two, you always call the shots. “Kiss me. You won’t regret it.” Now three, act like wherever you are, that’s the place to be. “Isn’t this great?” Four, when ordering food, you find out what she wants, then order for the both of you. It’s a classy move. “Now, the lady will have the linguini and white clam sauce, and a Coke with no ice.” And five, now this is the most important, Rat. When it comes down to making out, whenever possible, put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV.
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Gracias to Reel Film Reviews
Say Anything… (1989) was ranked by Entertainment Weekly as the greatest modern movie romance. The movie is about Lloyd Dobler, a recent high school graduate, underachiever, and kickboxer, who pursues brainy, ambitious Diane Court. Every line hits the right note, every scene is memorable, and Lloyd Dobler pretty much sits on the highest pedestal of ideal guys; he’s genuine, sincere, unambiguous in his feelings, and caring for all the people in his life. WATCH THIS!
Here’s Lloyd going over plans with his best friends (female):
Lloyd Dobler: I’m gonna take Diane Court out again. Corey Flood: Well, that’s unlikely. Lloyd Dobler: Is the movies a good second date? You know, as a date? Corey Flood: Well, you never had a first date. Lloyd Dobler: Yes we did. I sat across from her at a mall. We ate together. We ate. That’s eating. Sharing an important physical event. Corey Flood: That’s not even a scam. Lloyd Dobler: What’s a scam? Corey Flood: Going out as friends. D.C.: No, it’s not. Scam is lusting.
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Gracias to First Friday Collective
Ah, The Breakfast Club (1985). The inevitable choice. After having seen this movie as many times as I’ve drank a latte (trust me – that’s a lot), it’s hard to retain the exuberant view I had of the movie, say the first three times I watched it. Still, this is the jewel atop the crown of John Hughes high school movies. It explores the alienation and insecurities of members of typical high school cliques: the jock, the princess, the geek, the burnout, and the basket case (nowadays she would be described as “emo” – shudder). All five kids are brought together one Saturday during detention and cabin fever makes for interesting results.
John Bender: Don’t you ever talk about my friends. You don’t know any of my friends. You don’t look at any of my friends. And you certainly wouldn’t condescend to speak to any of my friends. So you just stick to the things you know: shopping, nail polish, your father’s BMW, and your poor, rich drunk mother in the Caribbean. Claire Standish: SHUT UP. John Bender: And as far as being concerned about what’s gonna happen when you and I walk down the hallways of school together, you can forget it cuz it’s never gonna happen. Just bury your head in the sand and wait for your f-ing prom.
Ok, I couldn’t help myself. Below is the rap from Teen Witch (1989) — just for giggles.
She’s effortlessly chic and sublimely unaware, prancing and pouting with her bangs falling over her outlined eyes. She skips onto the screen in a playful red sundress and stuffed-dog purse, setting off behind her a blaze of crime and passion. She flashes her eyes at the camera and there it is – instant, uncompromising screen presence (much like Penelope Cruz nowadays).
Gracias to Pipeline
Anna Karina was Jean-Luc Godard’s wife and muse. I was introduced to her in the 1964 film, Pierrot le Fou, a more existential and French version of Bonnie and Clyde (1967). She plays the counterpart to Jean-Paul Belmondo. They steal cars left and right as they run away from Algerian hitmen, sporadically “settling down” in an unorthodox existence on beach shores and in restaurants. As petite and elegant as she looks, Karina plays disheveled and restless best, particularly in a memorable scene where she tiptoes down the beach, heels in hand, singing to herself about how bored she is. She’s played an array of characters, but whoever she is and whatever she is doing, she’s trouble – dynamite.
Gracias to the Criterion Collection
She caught Godard’s attention with a silly soap commercial she did in 1959. When he approached her for a role in A bout de souffle (1960), she turned it down due to a nude scene. Godard questioned her refusal, pointing to her steamy soap ads. I ain’t no trampy slut, she is said to have replied, snapping her fingers in a Z-formation. Just kidding. Actually, she said, “Are you mad? I was wearing a bathing suit in those ads — the soapsuds went up to my neck. It was in your mind that I was undressed.”
Now as a rule, I supremely dislike actors and actresses that ride on the coattails of their cinematic fame by embarking on singing careers (every single female celebretard in America, anyone?), but I actually enjoy Anna Karina’s music. She scored a hit with the song, “Sous le soleil exactement” in the 1960s, which features Karina prancing around on the beach at sunet. So now I know four more words of French.
Through experience, I’ve learned that people hate reading subtitles when watching films. When my friends come over, they want to watch something familiar and brainless like Cluelessor Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion, not some art house French movie. Don’t get me wrong – I love those movies, but sometimes it’s nice to sit on the couch and watch a foreign film in the comfort of unawkward solitude. Anywho, pick up a copy of Pierrot le Fou or A bout de souffle at your local library and check it out. At the least, it’ll be an experience that you can come out of and proclaim, “I’m a connossieur of the French New Wave, biotch.”
Gracias to Blue Delusions
Gracias to New River Voice
Gracias to Paramount Pictures
Gracias to the New York Daily News
Gracias to Correctional Service Canada
Utterly delightful stuff, spider-monkey!
Mmmm she loves those Sabor de Soledad chips. Gracias to Pat Barrett.
Gracias to NBC
Daydream Delusion 